I was wary of Makoto Niijima when I first played Persona 5. She was bossy, invasive, and spouted the importance of school to an extraneous degree (my knowledge skill could only go up so fast!) I knew she’d become a Phantom Thief soon enough, but wasn’t sure how she’d fit in with characters I’d grown to love so much.
But after her own awakening, where she threw away the formalities and stood up for herself with her motorcycle in tow, I saw myself. It took me some time to realize, but I had never related to a video game character more than Makoto, even with some of her qualities I considered negative.
A Fear of Judgement
My first year of college was a mixed bag. I’d made very few friends and found myself opting out of the typical college experiences. For instance, I wasn’t a part of any club or organization because I didn’t feel passionate about any the university offered. But I will say, I loved the academic aspect of college. Going to class and completing assignments and projects gave me forward momentum throughout freshman year. It was something I was good at and looked forward to, but as I continued, I realized I was using my studies and academic achievements to feel good about myself.
I needed others to compliment me, to tell me I was good at something. Whether that be positive peer comments on a paper or gratitude for leading a group project, it didn’t matter. I just needed to know I was valued in one way or another. In hindsight, I knew that attitude wasn’t healthy and even though I could’ve found those conversations elsewhere, I relied on school because I was good at it. There was no need to expand my circle of what I knew because I found myself never wanting to speak about my passions.
The fear of judgement consumed me. Even as a film major, it was difficult talking about that with my peers. Maybe I liked movies too much. Maybe I didn’t like them enough. Maybe I’d be banished from the department if I admitted that I thought Pulp Fiction was ridiculously overrated.
The funny thing is, pushing my passions to the side kept me from the friends I’d end up finding years later. I was avoiding the thing that would bring me closer to people and relying on something that would make me stand out on paper. And I’d never seen this portrayed so well until I finally began to understand Makoto.
An Anguished Queen
Makoto was surrounded by people pushing her in the wrong direction. Authority figures used her for their own selfish gain and Makoto went along with it all so she could receive good recommendation letters. Her self worth was connected to school. Even her own sister downgraded her accomplishments and identity and hearing something like that from a family member is a deeper kind of hurt.
It wasn’t until Makoto joined the Phantom Thieves that her inner self took back control. She was no longer afraid to stand up and express herself with loyal companions by her side. And while my situation is nowhere near the ’life or death’ variety, I experienced something similar when I picked up a Creative Writing minor.
Through that decision and taking more classes within the English department, I found myself. I was surrounded by people who shared my love of storytelling and the act of sharing and workshopping was never out of bounds. The thought of expressing my passions was no longer shrouded in negativity. Instead, it was embraced because I felt safe and valued when surrounded by my fellow writers and friends.
Makoto was the same way. I grew to love her when she joined the Phantom Thieves because that’s when I saw who she really was. Looking back, I can’t believe how wary I had been. She was always meant to join and become a part of their whole.
Even throughout Makoto’s confidant story, I saw images of myself. She opened up to Joker, revealing troubling stories that for so long stayed hidden and spoke about her dream career. Moments like this and her pure loyalty made me realize how deeply emotional Makoto was as a character. It felt as though she was speaking directly to me, showing me that it was okay to be vulnerable around those you love.
I’ve dealt with strong emotions my entire life and I was told they made me weak. And for so long I was ashamed of them. I was ashamed of the anxiety and the tears and everything in between. But Makoto reassured me. She showed me that those who love you will accept all your faults and stand by your side when you most need it. They would be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. Anything.
So when Makoto found the friends who accepted her, when she found the Phantom Thieves, I couldn’t help but think of my own journey. The few people I kept close were my own confidants, the ones I could trust with anything. Without those people, I know I would find myself falling deeper and deeper into loneliness, something I’m all too familiar with. But Persona 5 and Makoto Niijima gave me something to grasp onto. And I don’t plan on letting go.
