When Mass Effect: Legendary Edition was first revealed, I wondered what I could possibly do differently. I’d played all the DLC before, completed numerous Paragon and Renegade runs, and taken various squadmates on each mission to get the differing reactions. When I finally got the chance to play it, I decided - against my better judgement - that I was going to play Shepard as straight. The game decided to kick my heart in the crotch for it.
The queer options in Mass Effect were groundbreaking at the time, but limited by today’s standards. A gay male Shepard won’t get to score until the third game, when Esteban Cortez and a newly bisexual Kaidan Alenko are available - assuming Kaidan survived the first game. A lesbian Shep, though, can get by just about okay, so long as you consider the monogendered but femme coded asari to be lesbian options. You can romance Liara in all three games (with Mass Effect 2’s coming in the Shadow Broker DLC), while pseudo romances with Samara and Kelly Chambers fill out the roster, along with a fully fledged romance with Samantha Trainor in Mass Effect 3.
My usual method is Liara in the first, flirt with Jack despite the fact she’s straight (although she wasn’t meant to be) in the second game, Liara again in the third. I’ve cheated on Liara with Trainor before too. But I’ve never been a straight FemShep, and since Garrus belongs with Tali and Jacob is… Jacob, that meant Thane. Goddamn does the game do Thane dirty.
It’s not that he dies. Mass Effect 3 is ultimately a game about loss, and death is part of that. Thane has a terminal disease, and the galaxy is on the brink of destruction. We were never going to make it through Mass Effect 3 unscathed. In the third game, you meet Thane at the Citadel hospital, where his condition has deteriorated. Nevertheless, when the Citadel is attacked, he springs to your defence against Kai Leng. He’s able to slow Leng down, forcing him to retreat, but takes a mortal wound in the process.
Post-attack, you visit Thane in the hospital and are there for his last moments. You pray over his body, and he prays for you. His son is there, having been set on the right path by Thane’s intervention in Mass Effect 2. It’s a quiet, subdued death. It suits Thane, an atypical, soulful, and philosophical assassin. It’s a good death. So why does nobody give a fuck?
Immediately after this, my FemShep wiped the tears from her eyes and continued to wander the Citadel, looking for a friend, for consolation. I took her to Purgatory, where she could drown her sorrows, and met Jack. Few people are as acquainted with loss and pain as Jack, and I had no time for platitudes. I wanted a straight shooter. Jack was perfect, which is why my Shepard’s immediate action after Thane’s passing was a dance-off with Jack. Wait, what?
Well, that was a bust. It pulled me out of the moment, but Joker’s here too. He’s been with me since Jump Street. He asks me about EDI - as one love fades, another begins. So my FemShep decides to flirt with him, right after Thane died and right when Joker is pouring his heart out about his feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment. You know what? Fuck this. I’m going back to the ship.
Surely on the Normandy, Thane’s death would be acknowledged, right? Especially given that I romanced him in the last game. Oh look, there’s Garrus, standing by the memorial wall. What’s that Garrus? You miss Ashley, the big space racist who died years ago? No word on your brother in arms? On the love of my life? Thane? You remember him - green guy, deep voice, like a vaguely sexy frog man? No? Not ringing any bells?
I knew I should have just been a lesbian.
For that reason, when Samantha Trainor comes up to my room immediately afterwards, I no longer try to resist the awful pacing and lack of acknowledgement for Thane’s death, and instead jump in the shower with her - her in her lingerie, me in my shiny latex dress. You know, the way normal people shower. You might accuse me of moving on too quickly, but when the game flings me into a dance-off immediately after my soulmate dies, what does it expect?
After this, Diana Allers comes up to my room and she flirts with me too. Sake. Who’s next? Javik? Chakwas? Private Westmoreland? I’m beginning to think I imagined Thane. Maybe I did. But there’s a lesson in all this - always be gay. Trust me on this one.
